On NPR Wednesday morning, I heard an interview with the Chinese diplomat to the US. He was on, at least NPR thought, to answer questions about the Tibet situation and the recent violence. It went like this (abbreviated and misquoted but not on purpose; mostly to do with driving wildly fast on the expressway while drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette):

NPR: Thank you for being here.
CD: Thank you.
NPR: (cutting right to the chase) So, do you believe that Tibetans have a reason to be upset?
CD: I think it is clear. It is clear that it was a VIOLENT CRIME.
NPR: Granted there has been violence but what about the peaceful protests? Do Tibetans have reason to be upset?
CD: It is people are being confused. The VIOLENT CRIME was made to disrupt daily life. People are injured, property is DESTROYED
NPR: Mr. Ambassador, do the people of Tibet…is the unrest justified? Are they…
CD: The VIOLENT CRIME happened inside Tibet. INSIDE. It upsets the people it destroys the property. It interrupts life.
(pause)
CD: We are willing to talk to the Dalai Lama but he must stop talking about independence.
NPR: I believe the Tibetans are asking for autonomy, not independence.
CD: Autonomy is the same as independence.
NPR: Well I think that…
CD: If he stops talk about independence we continue talking to him.
NPR: Thank you, Mr. Ambassador.

I am appreciative of the fact that NPR had to do nothing but ask the same question over and over again and get the same non-answer response over and over again to make its point. It made me laugh.

What follows is my less-funny fantasy interview with Mr. Ambassador from China.

KP: Thanks for coming.
CD: …
KP: So: Tibet. Tell me: is it worth it?
CD: …
KP: I know that your country has become and will continue to be powerful for the foreseeable future. Nobody wants to make you mad. I get it. In fact, I think my country can relate. Sort of.
CD: …
KP: But here is the part I don’t get: there would be a lot of international-style smiling going on if you would just let it go. Everyone likes the Dalai Lama. Or even if they don’t LIKE him like him, they’ll defend him like the super nice frail kid that just won’t back down when he has asshole knuckles pushed into his face.
CD: …
KP: International smiling, though! Smiling! Perhaps even PRESENTS.
CD: …
KP: Okay. That’s my two cents for now. Thanks for not listening to anyone.
CD: …

There was another piece about the possibility of the Olympics in Bejing really not going as planned with the showing of prosperity and growth what with the pollution and Tibet (and the spitting) and that a small amount of venom traditionally directed at the United States might be pointed at China for a brief, shining fortnight. Haha. True story. We’re everyone’s favorite assholes.

In more personal news, I planted grape hyacinth bulbs in the planter outside my front door. They have sprung but not yet bloomed. A few of them look a little corky. And by corky I mean retarded. I think they would have done much better than they are now if people would quit shitting in my planter, leaving malt liquor bottles in my planter, sprinkling pistachio hulls in my planter and otherwise putting things into my planter which are not PLANTS or at least NOT ANY MORE.

People can be such jerks.

I’ve thought about making a small but decorative sign that would say something like, “If you don’t feel like picking up your trash and throwing it away, imagine how psyched I am about doing it. Not even a little bit. At least empty your bottles before chucking them in so I don’t get soaked by King Cobra at 8am on my way out the door to work. And if you really have to go to the bathroom so BAD that you choose to crap in my planter, I am guessing that you are in very bad shape or are dead from pooping out all of your vital organs that last time. That loggage was monster. Was it better or worse than the last time I had to clean up human feces? When it was in a pair of tighty-whiteys sitting on top of the Burger King bag the culprit had wiped his (because you know it was) ass with? The jury is out.”