I went to Home Depot last week, because I had purchased a chandelier type of situation thing deal and I wanted to 100% be sure to hang it while my father was there (on move in day, last Saturday) with his drills and screwdrivers and such. He had said that he would stop by HD to get what he would need. When I asked him last Thursday if he’d had a chance yet, he said no, and I said, “No problem! Tell me what you need and I will go and get it myself!”

(This is the part where you groan and shake your head.)

My father told me that I would need a hook with a butterfly thing (not his exact words, but rather my remembered words that he said). Ok, no problem. I was more concerned, at that point, about finding a cool-looking hook than anything else, and I mean, I know what one of those screw-in hooks look like, right? And I’ve seen those thingies they make for hanging pictures in drywall, haven’t I? Yes and yes.

To Home Depot I went.

First of all, I fucking hate Home Depot. I hate the way it smells. I hate the way it looks. I hate that you must breathe only through your nose and not talk if you don’t want to walk out of the store feeling as though you have eaten sawdust and washed it down with fertilizer. I have never had a reason to go there. Or, rather, I have had reasons to go there, but never gone by myself, electing instead to go with my father or my male companion of the moment. But, you know what? That’s no way to live my life if I want to get things done in a timely fashion, and by timely I mean “when I want”.

Second of all, like I said, I’ve never been by myself. I am not sure what my plan of attack was, really, except that I didn’t really want to have to talk to any of the caulk-slinging employees, and I didn’t want it to take too long. I came in the entrance that’s near the outdoor garden center, where they keep all the plant fertilizer, so it was good and stinky. YAY! But then, straight ahead, was an aisle of cleaning products, and I realized that I could get the fabric softener sheets there, when I had originally planned to make a second trip for them. Good on you, Home Depot!

(Sidenote: I just remembered that I have been to Home Depot by myself one time, to get a plant for a housewarming party. However, I did not have to go inside the real store part, just the garden area, so it doesn’t count. PS – Said plant was left in my car all afternoon, got burned, and had to be trimmed back considerably, which made it look, in two words, like shit. I ended up handing it over to my mother, who has nursed it back to health. I will be picking it up at their house on Saturday to bring it home with me. Poor plant.)

Third of all, how the hell does anyone find anything in there except for lumber and paint? God. So many aisles, and the ceilings are so tall it makes it extra mind-blowing and intimidating. I walked around the circumference and down a few promising aisles and past the same guy sitting at a table with brochures (for roofing I think) twice before I ended having to ask an employee to help me.

Me: “Hi. Could you tell me where the screws and things are?”
Him: *points to end cap of multi-pack screws*
Me: “Um. I need a hook. You know. A hook to hang things from the ceiling.”
Him: “Hooks over with power tools.” (Hispanic, not Hulk)
Me: (That makes no sense!) “Okay!”

I went over to the power tool section, and there I saw this guy that I had breezed by in the drawer and cabinet pull aisle (wishful thinking), who definitely saw me pass him. He gave me a look like, “Omg, why are you following me, you crazy, crazy girl? You’re after my sweet ass, aren’t you?” He was moderately attractive, you see, so he must be overly cautious with the stalkers. After he thought, “GOD! Being hot is such a hardship!”, he got on his cellphone.

I wandered around the power tool area, looking up and down at the crazy saws and things. Everything started looking like it might be a screw (where the hooks would be, naturally): drill bits, twisted wire, your mom, etc. I broke down and asked a second sales guy, who looked like he’d spent the previous life as a professor of Russian literature at a second-tier university and ran the pointy, bony face workshops during the summer. He directed me to a specific aisle (20, if I remember right), which, when I passed it, had a sign that said:

SCREWS
HOOKS
(OTHER THINGS)

I resisted the urge to smack my forehead, and went up the aisle to find myself a hook with a butterfly thing, goddamnit.

Except. None of the hooks came with what looked to me like a butterfly thing. There were loose hooks that appeared to have been nicked off some oil rig somewhere and polished up for resale. They had hooks that looked like they might suit my purpose, but no butterfly things in sight. Commence: ask the salesperson again. This one was younger, and muttering to himself as well as his co-worker and also exclaiming loudly about inventory (it appeared):

Him: We’ve had them a year?!?! Get them OUTTA here!

Yeesh. I told him that I was looking for a hook with a butterfly thing like you would screw into the ceiling to hang things from. He pointed me towards an endcap (AGAIN!) with several heavy-duty hooks with these metal type things he said were the butterfly things (“thing” count in this entry: 15). It didn’t look right to me, so as he turned abruptly to go back to counting nails and yelling at paint stirrers, I wandered back to where I had picked up the bag of hooks I had in my hand (from before--narrative! So hard!). When I did, he said, to his co-worker, “Look! She has another question!” He said it kind of nastily like he was trying to act like he was kidding around with me but really he wasn’t. I put the bag of hooks back in the wrong bin (revenge!), and went back to look at these supposed hook with butterfly thing packets. That’s when I saw it: a hook made specifically for ceilings with a 15lb load limit that requires no tools for installation (it’s kind of a big, fat, screw thing, so you can (and we did) just do it by hand). I bought that and my dryer sheets and ran at tip top speed the hell out of the store (self-checkout).

My chandelier looks super fantastic. I’ve hung it right above one of my lamps, so it sparkles and shines very nicely. The chandelier itself doesn’t have any light or candle element, it’s just a 3-tiered dangly thing with crystals on it in shades of blue, green, grey and clear. I got it at Ikea, but I can’t find a photo of it online, as the Ikea website is down.

SIDEBAR: Did someone not recently leave me a comment asking my opinion of Ikea products, since they do not have a store near them? In fact, I believe it was you. I really do like Ikea products. Some of it is kind of rickety in that cheapy way, because, let’s face it, it’s cheap, but they do have nice things, and I love their style. Personally, I find catalogue shopping a bit difficult since there is so much room for error with large items like furniture (I would not have picked my new dresser at all, had I not seen it in person. I had an entirely different one picked out based on the catalogue photos.), and returning things through the mail is such a bitch. My condolences that you don’t have an Ikea near you. I say go for it, though. Caveat emptor: if a desk is $20, it is so for a reason. But, then again, I’m sure I didn’t need to say that since you (everyone) probably have (has) more common sense than I do.