Someone please make the hot weather stop. It would be such a boon to have the power, or know someone who had the power and liked you or owed you, to be able to control the weather. I will take breezy spring, crispy fall, slightly snowy winters and lots of overcast days to go, please.

This segues nicely into my next point, which is: why can’t I have everything I want? I swear I wouldn’t abuse the privilege by making other people do something Shakespearean like fall in love with a loser or kill their relative. I would just make my little world very pleasant for myself, and thereby become a more pleasant person to be around. Ding: net plus.

I will put here the short list of things I want so you can see just how humble my desires are; that having everything I want wouldn’t turn me into an asshole:

1. 700 million dollars

As you can see, it is a very short list.

I would say that I’d be happy to see EVERYONE have 700 million dollars, but sadly, that won’t work. Economics get in the way of every happy plan. To sum up: $700 million, please. And I won’t have any of that “mo’ money, mo’ problems” talk because that is 100% pure crap. If it’s a matter of friends & relatives coming out of the woodwork to ask for money and people trying to steal from you, I have the perfect solutions: ignore your friends and relatives and purchase flamethrowers. I don’t see how either of those “problems” could be worse than having to smoke abandoned half-butts from the gutter and shit in alleys.

(Um, right. Summertime…)

Unfortunately, as my brother so aptly pointed out, summer does not mean months off from obligations as it once did during our school years. It means only hot weather and for the insane individuals out there with children, it means you have the additional inconvenience of your kids being off from school, which means your routines are even more completely fucked than usual and I just don’t know how you do it, but that’s a topic for another time.

Good things about summer:

- watermelon
- fireworks
- grilled meats
- fireflies
- bumpin’ summer songs

Oh, look, we could just have July 4th and then be done with summer.

During this past July 4th weekend, I managed to catch a stand-up special by comedian Gerry Dee. It’s so rare that comedians are actually funny, but he was just hilarious; very dry and not at all schticky. You can see him doing a bit about his Italian neighbors on YouTube. Recommended.

How is it possibly football season already? It’s too hot outside to think about football. It’s too hot outside to think about anything except moving to Maine or Sweden. Tomorrow night the Redskins play the Ravens in Baltimore in the preseason opener for both teams. Let the games begin.

k.