Why I Don't Subscribe To Twilight
August 17, 2009
As soon as I say that I love vampires and “True Blood”, there is the inevitable: “Oh, have you seen/do you like/have you read ‘Twilight’?”
A text conversation between me and my brother, Eric, will explain it all:
Eric: I watched “Twilight”. Did you see it?
Me: I haven’t seen it. What did you think?
Eric: It was ok. Nothing crazy. Outsider falls in love with what turns out to be a vampire. Blah blah. He looks very femme. White skin, etc.
Me: So it was “Footloose” with vampires. Apparently he also sparkles?
Eric: Yeah. Their skin looks like diamonds in the sun…it was the best part of the whole thing.
Me: Ha yeah I thought the sparkling might be a plus. I hear the main dude has bad b.o.
Eric: Yeah. Never showers. Whatever dude. You look like a chick.
Me: He looks kinda lupine to me.
Eric: His mouth and eyebrows were very distracting.
Eric: Head like a triangle.
Me: I mean the whole premise is either a testament to teen chastity or a recipe for blueballs.
Eric: Hahahahaha. Absolutely. Like a two hour dry hump.
Me: Totally. Thanks but I’ve spent plenty of time being sexually frustrated. I don’t feel the need to pay for it.
Eric: And his fear of hurting her if they get intimate. Meh.
Me: Yeah exactly. Whatever. I’d be like well let’s just see how it goes. Or I would if he didn’t look like a she-wolf
Eric: Hahahahahahah!! Totally she wolf. The next movie goes into the werewolf storyline.
Me: He’ll fit right in.
And there is your answer: “Twilight”? No.
Instead, let us all turn our heads to last Sunday’s “True Blood.” AWitnekpaiotnkea;iu!!!
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