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HISSSSSSSSSSSS

August 26, 2009

And now it is everyone’s favorite time: SLAPPING TIME. Slaps go out to:

- The former addict on “Project Runway” for crying and being a pussy.
- Tara on “True Blood” for wasting my time.
- Cigarettes for being so expensive now.
- People who make me repeat myself.
- Mid Atlantic weather.
- Cat hair.

Driving on Broadway the other day, I noticed the car in front of me had a teensy bumper sticker on it—about the size of a refrigerator magnet. Half was taken up with an American flag, the other half with the text, “If you’re here, then learn the language.” I may be misremembering the exact wording, but that was the gist. Statements such as these don’t bother me any more. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m no longer surprised or if, in my lack of surprise at the prevalence of thick-headed jingoists, I have ceased to care. I would say this to the driver, though: you shouldn’t pick your nose on a street with so many stoplights, miss lady.

Comcast is tapping into America’s vampire-loving vein and offering up several vampire movies On Demand, including “The Vampire Lovers”. This movie available in the Free Movies section and is rated R. My authority on the film is limited, seeing as I only watched half an hour or so, but as far as I can tell it was rated R because:

- It contains a character that is subtly lesbotronic
- There are several amazingly fake-looking beheadings
- There is a naked boob
- Grand Moff Tarkin features prominently, and we all know he’s an asshole

Aside from the appearance of Peter Cushing*, which made me laugh very hard, my favorite parts were:

- The dance of the first rising vampire: there is a vampire, and she is rising. When she rises, she is covered from head to toe with pale fabric and proceeds to totter and sashay light a slightly balletic mummy.
- The plot: a vampire with lesbian tendencies and her nanny/aunt go from town to town by carriage and trick rich guys with hot daughters into letting the vampire come stay at his house. I guess the setting was meant to be sometime in the late 19th century?
- The beheadings: action sequences edited by gluing promo shots together. I’m not sure there is a way to make something look less real than these beheadings. First: a vampire about to strike with fangs extended. Cut to: a shiny sword. Cut to: red liquid streaked on a wall. Cut to: A no-headed dummy with paint dripping down its weirdly thick and shiny neck. Cut to: The actor, looking surprised, lying on the ground and covered from the chin down with black cloth.
- The big ballroom/party scenes: all look to have been shot in a New Jersey dance studio with candles on the wall. There was an obvious attempt to make it look grand and period, but that’s tough to pull off with only four couples spinning in place and stepping on each other simultaneously. I guess it’s tough to pull off group shots when you’ve spent your entire budget on mummy fabric and fake hair.

* According to his IMDB page, Peter Cushing has been in a lot of vampire movies. And by a lot I mean every other film he has made since his birth in 1913. The rest of his character credits fall into one of three categories: werewolf, creepy bookstore owner, death.

Also On Demand, in the TV Entertainment section under Comedy Central, we have the South Park episode, “Vampires vs. Goths”. How fucking cute do the little vamp kids look with their fangs hanging out? How funny does Butters look with black hair?

This is turning into quite the little vampire diary. Per se.

Comments are back up. Summer’s almost over. Hot damn.

k.

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1 comments so far

SNOW CAN WORK MIRACLES. ON YOUR ALCOHOLISM. - March 03, 2010
MRS. MEYER'S CLEAN DAY AND MY CAR'S DIRTY RAPE - November 18, 2009
HISSSSSSSSSSSS - August 26, 2009
Lay The Hustla Down - August 23, 2009
Why I Don't Subscribe To Twilight - August 17, 2009

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